Dealing With Problems
Breaking Free from
Toxic Relationships
Dealing With Problems
Breaking Free from
Toxic Relationships
Solutions > Examples and Methods for Breaking Free
Cancelling Out Abuse > Emotional, Physical, Sexual, Spiritual
Breaking Free from > Anger, Fury, Rage
Breaking Free from > Suicidal & Self-harm Thoughts
Breaking Free from > Controlling Sexuality
Breaking Free from > Toxic Relationships
One young woman's story (This page)
Preface
Many relationships are toxic.
A toxic relationship is abusive, manipulative, controlling and/or destructive. A relationship that has to be kept secret for any length of time will also be toxic.
The abuse could be verbal, physical, sexual, power, position or substance/addiction based. Generally, more than one type of abuse is present.
The abuse could be between equals or peers; it could feature a great disparity in position, power, authority, age and means/wealth.
The victim, if it's an unequal relationship, which is common, will often feel an unreasonable responsibility for the abuser's negative attitudes and bad behaviour. The abuser will tend to blame the victim for creating the situation that leads to the abuse. Abusers might threaten suicide to manipulate the victim into an action that suits them.
Anger, rage, jealousy, suspicion, isolation and control are common features of toxic relationships. If you are ever afraid, uncertain, worried, fearful or nervous about the other person's behaviour or reactions towards a situation, the relationship is toxic.
For a single person, breaking out of a toxic relationship Is often traumatic but, as the following text exchange shows, God can and will ease the way for us.
Click on one of the links below to go straight to that section. or scroll down to start at the beginning.
[While these text exchanges are primarily about how to deal with toxic relationships, there are some other important, relevant topics included as part of setting a young person free. These include: the nature of temptation, the spirit component in sexual activity, and more. Further details can be found at the website links included below.]
Emily: Hey.
>: Hello Emily, what’s new?
Emily: Can we talk?
>: Yep.
Emily: Feeling really down.
>: What’s happened?
Emily: Turns out Josh was toxic, really toxic.
>: That’s not so good. Do you want to tell me about the bad things you need to get over?
Or the things that hurt?
Emily: Let's just say I hope Josh gets karma.
>: Ah, that will cause you problems. We don’t want you to suffer for this, do you?
Emily: I’m just not ready to completely delete him.
>: Delete him how?
Emily: Delete the photos I have of him.
>: I can help you. God will help you get free.
Relationships, depending on how far you get involved, tend to stick with us until we deal with them in God’s way.
If we don’t release someone who has harmed us the problem falls on us.
I’ve just added a section on the website on dealing with problems. I’m happy to help you but if you like you can read about some tricky problems and how they were solved, here:
www.thechurch.solutions/problems
You have now inspired me to do a section on toxic relationships.
Emily: If you wanna mention me you can, ok.
>: We would need to make sure you are set free, that’s what I am here for.
Was he physically, verbally or sexually abusive towards you?
If the answer is Yes, you don’t have to say which one if you don’t want to.
Emily: Yes.
>: Do you want to describe any other toxic behaviour? Did he put you down or belittle you?
Emily: Well, he cheated on me for a start.
And he was very angry.
Made me feel small.
>: Ok. Was he normally angry with you, was that a feature of your relationship?
Emily: He'd get angry at no reason then take it out on me or his animals.
>: Was that a feature of your relationship, that you felt that you needed to please him?
Emily: Yeh.
>: Was this after drinking alcohol or using some other substance?
Emily: No. He was just a very angry man.
>: Did you ever work out why?
Emily: I worked out a bit. I felt it was the only way for him to not cheat.
>: It’s very common for people who grow up in an abusive situation to themselves become abusive because they feel worthless.
Emily: He grew up in a very broken family.
>: Sexual abuse is also a very common factor.
Most people when they leave an abusive relationship via a disagreement get drawn back in very quickly, but we can also deal with the cause of that.
Emily: Yeh.
>: God is faithful and will always try to protect you, but They don’t normally go against our free will. Early on in the situation God would have shown you signs of what Josh was like. Do you remember seeing warning signs?
Emily: When he tried to neck himself in front of me.
>: Early on before you got involved, before you got involved emotionally?
Emily: No it was during, when I was getting to know him.
>: That’s attention-seeking behaviour, and it is also abusive. We are never meant to be someone else’s saviour, to free them from their problems. Any relationship with that sort of component will be very painful and is totally undesirable and unnecessary.
That was one sign to get out - I guess you really realise that now. You can probably see other signs as well.
Emily: Yeh, they started popping up, but I thought he would’ve changed.
>: Your mothering and nurturing instincts (that’s what we call a vertical relationship) would have been coming to the fore, but that makes for a bad horizontal, relationship of friendship.
People don’t change because of us, except to become worse, especially if they are not Christian.
Emily: Yeh.
>: Shall we do something about setting you free now?
Emily: Yes.
>: One more thing I will explain to you. Anything that arouses us sexually, such as kissing or touching, sometimes even just looking at another person, starts to join our spirits together as one. This is what makes it so difficult for people to separate, this is what draws people back together again when they are never meant to be together.
Any form of sexual intercourse intensifies that process. Once again you don’t have to tell me anything, but I am going to deal with all of this with you, so that things will be much easier for you going forward.
Emily: We had sex a couple of times, but after he cheated it turned me off.
>: Is there anything else you want to say, or anything you want to ask?
Emily: No.
>: I will text things to you which you you should speak out aloud, softly is fine, you don’t need to shout. 🙂
Emily: Ok.
>: Let’s do this, then. As I text things and you say them please let me know what’s happening with you, or inside you. You might feel shaking or coldness or anxiety or similar, or you might just feel the presence of God. I’ll ask you occasionally what’s happening if I don’t hear anything special from you, but if you experience any strange emotions or feelings, even crying, let me know. Ok?
Emily: Ok.
>: Use the name for God that you prefer to use at the beginning and anytime that I write the word God.
“God, thank you for showing me beforehand that Josh was not for me. I’m sorry that I did not take notice.
“I’m sorry that I tried to become his counsel and adviser and protector when that is Your job - I did not realise that it wasn’t my job.
“I’m sorry that I became seriously and sexually involved with him - I don’t want to do that again. I ask to be set free now.
“Spirit of Lust, I give you up, I want no part of you. Get out now and go to the place that Jesus sends you.”
(As you say that just give a little ‘huh” and breathe out.)
What’s happening?
Emily: I feel like I’m going to cry.
>: That’s ok, you can cry. Crying is cleansing.
Emily: I don’t really cry often, mum always said it was attention seeking.
>: I cry a lot in the presence of God, and you can, too. 🙂
Next part:
“I send back the part of Josh’s spirit that has joined with my spirit, and I take back the part of my spirit that joined with his spirit through our relationship.
“Holy Spirit, join my spirit back and make me whole, and join Josh’s spirit back and make him whole, also.
“God, I’m sorry that I thought I could change Josh. I know now that I cannot change anyone except myself. Thank You for giving me a heart of love and compassion for the lost - now I know that I cannot choose a lost person as a romantic companion.
“Spirits of Anger, Abuse and Hatred, I have no part in you and you have no part in me. Get out now and go to the place that Jesus sends you.”
(Give another little breathe-out “huh” any time we expel a spirit like this.)
What’s happening, what are you feeling now.
Emily: It’s mixed.
>: Tell me.
Emily: I’m happy and scared at the same time.
>: “Spirit of Fear, you cannot harm me. I bind you with unbreakable chains and cover you with the blood of Jesus and the anointing oil of Holy Spirit. Get out now and go to the place that Jesus sends you.”
What’s happening now?
Emily: I feel a weight has been lifted off.
>: Wow
“Spirits of Murder and Fratricide, you don’t belong in me - get out now and go to the place Jesus sends you.”
Emily: I may not like his behaviour but I never physically would lay a finger.
>: These are spirits which have passed from him to you because of his behaviour - we are just removing things that don't belong in you as Holy Spirit moves me.
[This is a generally unrealised by-product of any sexual activity, which is designed to make two into one by the mingling of soul between the man and the woman. See Genesis 2:24. That is how the two become one.
At the same time manipulative spirits such as Lust, Anger, Hatred, Jealousy, Murder and so on, are also transferred.
As an example, when a young person is sexually assaulted, a spirit of Lust is transferred from the offender to the victim. This spirit then leads the victim into other situations, often similar, where they can be offended against. The victim often finds themself doing things which they find unpleasant or loathsome, because they are being driven, unknowingly, by an external, manipulative and evil force that doesn’t ‘belong’ in or with them.
These spirits normally are readily removed, as shown in this article.
When we offend against the principles that God has established for us one or more spirits can readily afflict us again, and then require removal for us to be productive once more. This and more is explained in greater detail at www.thechurch.solutions/problems.]
>: Stand and turn and face the direction that Josh would normally be in now, and say these words as if he was there in front of you:
“Josh, I’m sorry that some of my behaviour with you was not wholesome and upbuilding. I don’t want to see any harm come upon you. God, bless Josh richly in every way that he might be released into Your love.”
How did you go with that?
Emily: IDK, it’s strange. I can hear his laugh.
>: Did you do it? It is strange but it is what Jesus said to do, to bless those who harm us in any way.
We must never seek revenge, otherwise that gives the enemy the power to then cause all sorts of bad things to happen to us.
Any time a negative thought enters your mind about Josh’s behaviour, replace it with that thought, for God to bless him.
That keeps you safe and lets God move in his life because of your desire to see Josh blessed.
Emily: I want him happy.
>: One more:
“Lord, I give Josh up to You, I release him to You, he does not belong to me in any way.”
What’s happening now?
Emily: Besides feeling exhausted? Happy and free.
>: Great! That’s what normally happens.
Dealing in the spirit realm like this can be exhausting for you, but it should be a clean sort of exhaustion.
If any unpleasant thoughts about him rise up in you just push them out immediately and replace them with a request/instruction to God to bless him richly.
One more thing:
“Holy Spirit, in place of these spirits which have left, please fill me with love, joy, peace, gentleness and self-control. Thank You, Jesus, for setting me free.”
(And you can give a little clap and a dance in celebration. 🙂 )
Emily: Hey. Feeling a lot better.
>: I was going to ask - that’s fantastic, Emily, God is sooo good to us. 🙂
Just a follow up.
Abusive people will often apologise in a meaningful way and promise to do better. You should always accept an apology, but they often use that to blackmail you into returning to the relationship. That’s always a bad idea.
God always shows us problems before we get into them, and so this sort of needy, relationship is not what God has prepared for you. Be patient. 🙂
Emily: I’m going to see him now. He can say what he wants, I’ll just stand my ground and turn the other cheek like the Bible says.
>: How did you go?
Emily: He just flipped me off and told me to die.
>: Are you worried?
Emily: No, surprisingly calm.
>: Wow - that’s great!
It’s best to avoid contact, now, with someone as toxic as that.
Emily: Hey - doing a lot better with everything.
>: That’s fantastic! Can you give me some details?
Emily: I'm no longer angry, I feel an overwhelming sense of peace.
>: That’s God, that’s great!
>: Hey Emily, I was prompted last night to try to contact you - what’s happening?
Emily: Not much, just up and down moments trying to heal.
>: Healing from what, Josh?
Emily: That, and just the suicidal stuff.
>: Are you feeling suicidal?
Or are you talking about Josh feeling that way?
Emily: There are days that I think that maybe Josh is right about me.
That maybe I’m better off gone.
>: No, that’s not right, very much not right.
Can I explain how suicidal thoughts originate and what we do to tackle them?
Emily: Sure.
>: Suicidal and depression thoughts are just another form of temptation, but instead of suggesting doing something bad or harmful involving someone else they suggest doing something bad or harmful to ourselves.
Like all temptation, suicidal and self-harm thoughts are applied to us in such a way that they seem like a real and natural thought that originated inside us, from our own intellect or intelligence.
However, temptation does not originate inside us as a natural thought - it is applied to our internal thinking from an external source in such a way as to appear to be natural for us to think like that. We can be quite happy until a negative thought about ourselves or something that has happened to us is subtly and surreptitiously suggested to us, or we are seemingly reminded of that through our own thinking processes.
The external source of these bad internal thoughts is the enemy, who Paul calls “the spirit forces of wickedness in the heavenly realm” in Ephesians 6, otherwise known as evil spirits.
The correct way to deal with these externally applied evil thoughts is to reject them and not entertain them, to identify them accurately as what they are, an attempt from the enemy to rob or steal from us or to destroy us.
The same happened in the Garden of Eden with Adam and Eve. They should not have been anywhere near the tree they were not meant to eat from, for a start. They should not have been there, they should not have been hanging around where they were never meant to be.
So the first rule is often geographic separation, getting away from our normal environment. This could mean taking a break from work, or if we are not working, finding a place where we can volunteer.
The second rule is this:
We don’t start even considering or entertaining (holding onto) thoughts of ‘badness.’
Let’s say the tempter approached Adam and Eve near the tree where they foolishly were staying, what should they have done or said?
“Who are you?”
“What are you doing here, get lost!”
If the tempter didn’t move, they could have.
So when we get the negative thoughts we push them back, push them aside and quickly replace them with something positive. That’s God, that’s the way They want us to handle these things.
It can be hard to do that by ourselves, so I’m happy to help you like before.
Emily: Hey Trevor. I wanna thank you for everything. I've finally found the light and Josh is no longer bringing me down
>: That’s good - how did you do that? Has Josh been talking to you?
Emily: No, he has not been talking to me.
>: But you have still been thinking about it all?
And now you are free?
Was there some particular thing that did it for you?
Emily: I think the minute I knew I was free was the minute the pain stopped.
>: Can you explain more? Emotional pain, of betrayal?
Emily: The emotional and the betrayal.
>: And how are things going for you now?
Emily: I’m going well.
>: That's good, so good. 🙂
Solutions > Examples and Methods for Breaking Free
Cancelling Out Abuse > Emotional, Physical, Sexual, Spiritual
Breaking Free from > Anger, Fury, Rage
Breaking Free from > Suicidal & Self-harm Thoughts
Breaking Free from > Controlling Sexuality
Breaking Free from > Toxic Relationships
One young woman's story (This page)